Clockwork

One of the prime offenders I was referring to in my previous post texted me NOT EVEN TWO HOURS afterward, displaying the very same self-centeredness I was so discontent with. I chose not to answer, as I have been doing with the majority of their messages as of late, but this has just about taken it too far with me. I want to confront them and at the very least tell them how their selfishness makes me feel, especially given how much I do for them all the fucking time. They're notoriously thick-headed, but I don't think that has ever stopped me.

Someone else pissed me off with their response, but it isn't like it takes very much. The world can suck my dick. Stop being selfish.

On a more positive note, I got a couple nice responses from the other post. My cynical self says, "I wonder if they were genuine," but my actualized self says, "thank you."

Fuck off.

I don't like things.

So lately (just over the past week) I have fallen/jumped/whatever into what has been the most extreme manic episode I have ever had; this has been to the point where I think it has been a full-blown manic episode versus the standard hypomanic episode, which symptomatically qualifies me for a diagnosis of bipolar I disorder rather than bipolar II. My friends both at home and at school have made me feel thoughts of violence, which for anybody that knows me (the six of you reading this?), is a big deal. And it's been happening a lot, to the point of simply not hanging out with people intentionally.

I don't feel like typing a whole lot, but there's enough I want to say that I will. ... So I will? We'll see how much I haven't typed once I get going.

Basically, I don't feel like nearly all of my friends appreciate me. Sure, they may say they do, but mostly I'm that guy that will actually ASK about their problems and will care and listen. Whenever it comes to my shit, I have to bring it up first. It is ALWAYS about them. This applies to home, school, wherever; I feel fucking alone and abandoned. What I have been looking for in this break from dating and sex has been an attempt at healing myself and trying to build friendships, but all it's done is made me realize how fucking miserable and alone I really am. I know there are a handful of people that care, of course, but there were some people that I thought did at least sort of care, but they're just so caught up in their own shit that they never bother with anybody else's. I see people's true colors. And so I just want to expel them. Among other things. Selfish fucks. There are so many people that I've felt this way about recently, and perhaps some of it has had to do with my mania, but I know I have felt lonely for a while anyway, because I know that I'm always the one asking about people and never the other way. There was one person in particular that surprised me who normally doesn't have more personal conversations with me (and I'm okay with that; it's just how the friendship is) and I'm also accustomed to not being able to hang out with them every day without losing my mind. So by the end of break, having already lost my mind, I needed to stop hanging out with everyone. I was surprised when I got back on my PC in Norfolk, they had sent me a link with epilepsy information they found and read, in a completely serious sense, which really made me...happy? Something. Happy isn't the correct emotion, but I felt something and it was greatly appreciated and that small gesture showed that despite the nature of our friendship, they really do care about me. Sometimes that's all it takes. SO WHY THE FUCK IS IT SO FUCKING DIFFICULT FOR EVERYBODY ELSE TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT? 

I don't feel like typing anymore. You guys get the idea. I feel neglected and depressed and violent and manic and all kinds of things that aren't good. And yeah. I wasn't going to say a whole lot. Hah.

Stream of Consciousness (Apparently)

Remember how awesome I was doing last post? OOPS. Not anymore. I won't go into too much detail, mostly because I don't feel like it, but I have really switched over to a down cycle.

Wednesday night Judo class was the first class I went to in nearly a week, which included missing a test, a lab, turning in homework assignments, a group presentation, being inducted into the Senate, and all kinds of other things. I've been really trying to motivate myself to do stuff but it is so fucking difficult to. I have been having extreme bouts of insomnia: I usually give up after not sleeping for six hours or so. I had a small anxiety attack in class today. Last night was the first time I wanted to smoke weed since quitting. I didn't do it, but the fact that I wanted to was/is scary to me. I've also been getting really irritable-flying off the handle at increasingly tiny things and violently responding to walls/doors/desks/etc (we learned today in class that is known as displacement). Also having just generally harmful thoughts. I knew I was gonna be coming down from being up, and those who fall from a higher place to a lower one are certainly going to notice the difference more.

I have also been wanting a relationship for the first time in a while. Not with anybody in particular, but I miss having someone close to me that is more than a friend that also means more than a friend or a fuck. But like I have been doing since dating Minh-Chau (especially not now), I'm not letting myself date anybody. It wouldn't be fair to myself, but especially the other person potentially involved, because I am just way too off the handle right now to be in the dating field. It wouldn't be right. So as much as I may want someone, I really just can't put myself through dealing with another person in addition to my crazy ass.

As it turns out, I ended things with both Minh-Chau and Stephanie either directly because I was too depressed or because of complications of depression (with Stephanie, I eventually found out it turned out to be bipolar disorder). It's impossible enough taking care of yourself through those times, and when there's another person you're supposed to be 'watching over,' so to speak, it's downright maddening. So freaking out and breaking up becomes logical, right? Man, looking back on the initial breakup of Stephanie and I makes me just seem like a complete lunatic. I'm so glad that I started getting help for my depression after that. Also that she and I are on good terms now (along with all of my exes, if I recall correctly. That's something I've been meaning to talk about at some point as well).

What was I talking about? Right, wanting a relationship. I've basically told myself that even if I find someone that I develop feelings for and vice versa, I just can't truly feel comfortable at this point in time in my own mental state putting each other in our respective hands, even if they insist that they can/want to take care of me. I want to feel like I'm at least more in control of my bipolar disorder first. The epilepsy isn't as big of a concern for me since that doesn't drive me to the brink of insanity, but it is still kind of an issue for me as well. We'll see how things go.

I'm back, baby!

I'm, happy to be back at school. Anybody that knows me and reads this blog (so what, like all two of you?) knows that this is NOT normal Daniel. This is not normal Daniel at all.


Sure, it could be the fact that I've been in a manic phase of my bipolar disorder, and I'm sure that's got something to do with it. But I've been taking classes that I actually want to take and that I'm actually excited about for the first time in a while. Except literature. Fuck that class. 


But my whole attitude is different. I'm a psychology major, dammit, and I want to be! I'm not just bumbling around in biology land just because I had always expected to be there my entire life anymore; I'm somewhere that is actually making my happy. I find something enjoyable in every class, even the statistics-based ones. I'm not procrastinating on assignments, waiting until the hour before it's due before thinking about getting started. I'm actually getting involved in school events: I joined the Judo club (also I'm taking Judo as a class with my friend Matt, and I love it), I'm gonna join the Senate, and I'm making an effort to not talk shit about my own school anymore. Norfolk is still on its own, though.


I have pretty much hated school thus far. I'm changing that. I'm not gonna be sitting in my room on the Internet anymore. I have been actually talking to people in my classes, making friends. I have been cooking, hanging out with people, going to bed early so I can wake up on time, and just been really working on myself. I also quit smoking weed for good in early December. I'm happy to say I don't miss it. I'll probably discuss what caused that decision to come about in a later post, although I think I told the people that actually read this thing. But it's nice to chronicle it.


I went off on a bit of a tangent there. I've been teaching myself to realize that school, and more importantly life, is what you make of it. And I'm trying my damnedest to make it the best I can. I know it won't be perfect, but I can't fault myself for sitting on my ass anymore.