From Soulless To Shattered (Art In Dying)

Many songs have a lot of meaning for people. This one has taken on multiple (although similar) meanings for me since I first heard it in February 2010 and it has since been my favorite song of my favorite band. Just in short, it (along with several other Arsis songs) has/have helped me with my breakup with Stephanie, which was the worst I had with a breakup (as opposed to the person at the time). The song helped me, of course, through multiple spells of general depression. What Important Song hasn't, right? The first time I met and really talked to any of the band members, it was about this song (I asked if they were gonna play it since it was my favorite and he just laughed and said "Fuck no, it's too hard to play live." Then we talked semi-drunkenly for a 20-30 minutes) Now we come to today. After dealing with all this hospitalization stuff for my bipolar disorder and how drastically both the depression and the mania can affect me, I just sort of realized that the song can once again alter its own meaning, just for me! And maybe anybody else who chooses to listen to it and/or read the lyrics speaking of which, here they are, along with a link to a Touyube of the song.


Arsis - From Soulless To Shattered (Art In Dying)


Penance for this breath of black betrayal
Stoic, famished guard the walls of this scarlet temple
Awaits to hear the sound of armies marching underground 

And the screams of failure's conquest

A wish to waste and rise alone

With only the wolves I call my own

A starving withered statue
Amidst the ruins you once knew

Condemned to defend
The weakened flesh of this facade 

From all that breathes and lies within
The vultures swarm and sharpen their talons

Upon wings of torment flying
Who's to say there is no art in dying?

A starving withered statue
Amidst the ruins you once knew
A shrine for the sick to gather
From here to hell, from soulless to shattered

From soulless to shattered

To destroy and conquer this failure

With a will of sharpened razors
To forget what has been done
And all I have overcome

[Solo: James, Nick]

Penance for this breath of black betrayal
Stoic, famished guards the walls of this scarlet temple
Awaits to hear the sound of armies marching underground
And the screams of failure's conquest

Upon wings of torment flying
Who's to say there's no art in dying?

I don't like things.

So lately (just over the past week) I have fallen/jumped/whatever into what has been the most extreme manic episode I have ever had; this has been to the point where I think it has been a full-blown manic episode versus the standard hypomanic episode, which symptomatically qualifies me for a diagnosis of bipolar I disorder rather than bipolar II. My friends both at home and at school have made me feel thoughts of violence, which for anybody that knows me (the six of you reading this?), is a big deal. And it's been happening a lot, to the point of simply not hanging out with people intentionally.

I don't feel like typing a whole lot, but there's enough I want to say that I will. ... So I will? We'll see how much I haven't typed once I get going.

Basically, I don't feel like nearly all of my friends appreciate me. Sure, they may say they do, but mostly I'm that guy that will actually ASK about their problems and will care and listen. Whenever it comes to my shit, I have to bring it up first. It is ALWAYS about them. This applies to home, school, wherever; I feel fucking alone and abandoned. What I have been looking for in this break from dating and sex has been an attempt at healing myself and trying to build friendships, but all it's done is made me realize how fucking miserable and alone I really am. I know there are a handful of people that care, of course, but there were some people that I thought did at least sort of care, but they're just so caught up in their own shit that they never bother with anybody else's. I see people's true colors. And so I just want to expel them. Among other things. Selfish fucks. There are so many people that I've felt this way about recently, and perhaps some of it has had to do with my mania, but I know I have felt lonely for a while anyway, because I know that I'm always the one asking about people and never the other way. There was one person in particular that surprised me who normally doesn't have more personal conversations with me (and I'm okay with that; it's just how the friendship is) and I'm also accustomed to not being able to hang out with them every day without losing my mind. So by the end of break, having already lost my mind, I needed to stop hanging out with everyone. I was surprised when I got back on my PC in Norfolk, they had sent me a link with epilepsy information they found and read, in a completely serious sense, which really made me...happy? Something. Happy isn't the correct emotion, but I felt something and it was greatly appreciated and that small gesture showed that despite the nature of our friendship, they really do care about me. Sometimes that's all it takes. SO WHY THE FUCK IS IT SO FUCKING DIFFICULT FOR EVERYBODY ELSE TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT? 

I don't feel like typing anymore. You guys get the idea. I feel neglected and depressed and violent and manic and all kinds of things that aren't good. And yeah. I wasn't going to say a whole lot. Hah.

Stream of Consciousness (Apparently)

Remember how awesome I was doing last post? OOPS. Not anymore. I won't go into too much detail, mostly because I don't feel like it, but I have really switched over to a down cycle.

Wednesday night Judo class was the first class I went to in nearly a week, which included missing a test, a lab, turning in homework assignments, a group presentation, being inducted into the Senate, and all kinds of other things. I've been really trying to motivate myself to do stuff but it is so fucking difficult to. I have been having extreme bouts of insomnia: I usually give up after not sleeping for six hours or so. I had a small anxiety attack in class today. Last night was the first time I wanted to smoke weed since quitting. I didn't do it, but the fact that I wanted to was/is scary to me. I've also been getting really irritable-flying off the handle at increasingly tiny things and violently responding to walls/doors/desks/etc (we learned today in class that is known as displacement). Also having just generally harmful thoughts. I knew I was gonna be coming down from being up, and those who fall from a higher place to a lower one are certainly going to notice the difference more.

I have also been wanting a relationship for the first time in a while. Not with anybody in particular, but I miss having someone close to me that is more than a friend that also means more than a friend or a fuck. But like I have been doing since dating Minh-Chau (especially not now), I'm not letting myself date anybody. It wouldn't be fair to myself, but especially the other person potentially involved, because I am just way too off the handle right now to be in the dating field. It wouldn't be right. So as much as I may want someone, I really just can't put myself through dealing with another person in addition to my crazy ass.

As it turns out, I ended things with both Minh-Chau and Stephanie either directly because I was too depressed or because of complications of depression (with Stephanie, I eventually found out it turned out to be bipolar disorder). It's impossible enough taking care of yourself through those times, and when there's another person you're supposed to be 'watching over,' so to speak, it's downright maddening. So freaking out and breaking up becomes logical, right? Man, looking back on the initial breakup of Stephanie and I makes me just seem like a complete lunatic. I'm so glad that I started getting help for my depression after that. Also that she and I are on good terms now (along with all of my exes, if I recall correctly. That's something I've been meaning to talk about at some point as well).

What was I talking about? Right, wanting a relationship. I've basically told myself that even if I find someone that I develop feelings for and vice versa, I just can't truly feel comfortable at this point in time in my own mental state putting each other in our respective hands, even if they insist that they can/want to take care of me. I want to feel like I'm at least more in control of my bipolar disorder first. The epilepsy isn't as big of a concern for me since that doesn't drive me to the brink of insanity, but it is still kind of an issue for me as well. We'll see how things go.

You>Me

I don't get myself completely sometimes/all the time. I have been feeling so much inner turmoil the past week and a half/two weeks, especially yesterday and today. My down side of my bipolar disorder kicked in after a mixed state and it has been really rough, and more than ever, I'm forgoing myself and my own well-being to see what I can do to help everybody else.


I'm constantly asking if I can help my friends. Or listen to them vent. Or they just start talking and I end up listening/giving them advice for the next hour and a half. Which is fine! I love doing this and it is eventually what I want to do with my life anyway. But I'm doing this as I'm withering away more and more and I don't seem to mind. I see depressed posts on a friend's twitter, for example, and I'll brush aside my own feelings of despair that I've been essentially ignoring for weeks to see what I can do. I hole myself up in my bedroom and put on a fake smile when I do have to go out. Another one of my friends is having other problems with an ex (among other things) and I offer to help, expecting nothing back.


Even earlier today, there was a complete stranger struggling to drag a cardboard box behind her. She dropped it several times and was very clearly having a difficult time. I was doing nothing but killing time and feeling angsty so I offered to help her and she refused.


I forget what else I was planning on talking about but basically I'm depressed but I could care less about myself and only seem to want to help others. It's more satisfying, anyway.