I don't like things.

So lately (just over the past week) I have fallen/jumped/whatever into what has been the most extreme manic episode I have ever had; this has been to the point where I think it has been a full-blown manic episode versus the standard hypomanic episode, which symptomatically qualifies me for a diagnosis of bipolar I disorder rather than bipolar II. My friends both at home and at school have made me feel thoughts of violence, which for anybody that knows me (the six of you reading this?), is a big deal. And it's been happening a lot, to the point of simply not hanging out with people intentionally.

I don't feel like typing a whole lot, but there's enough I want to say that I will. ... So I will? We'll see how much I haven't typed once I get going.

Basically, I don't feel like nearly all of my friends appreciate me. Sure, they may say they do, but mostly I'm that guy that will actually ASK about their problems and will care and listen. Whenever it comes to my shit, I have to bring it up first. It is ALWAYS about them. This applies to home, school, wherever; I feel fucking alone and abandoned. What I have been looking for in this break from dating and sex has been an attempt at healing myself and trying to build friendships, but all it's done is made me realize how fucking miserable and alone I really am. I know there are a handful of people that care, of course, but there were some people that I thought did at least sort of care, but they're just so caught up in their own shit that they never bother with anybody else's. I see people's true colors. And so I just want to expel them. Among other things. Selfish fucks. There are so many people that I've felt this way about recently, and perhaps some of it has had to do with my mania, but I know I have felt lonely for a while anyway, because I know that I'm always the one asking about people and never the other way. There was one person in particular that surprised me who normally doesn't have more personal conversations with me (and I'm okay with that; it's just how the friendship is) and I'm also accustomed to not being able to hang out with them every day without losing my mind. So by the end of break, having already lost my mind, I needed to stop hanging out with everyone. I was surprised when I got back on my PC in Norfolk, they had sent me a link with epilepsy information they found and read, in a completely serious sense, which really made me...happy? Something. Happy isn't the correct emotion, but I felt something and it was greatly appreciated and that small gesture showed that despite the nature of our friendship, they really do care about me. Sometimes that's all it takes. SO WHY THE FUCK IS IT SO FUCKING DIFFICULT FOR EVERYBODY ELSE TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT? 

I don't feel like typing anymore. You guys get the idea. I feel neglected and depressed and violent and manic and all kinds of things that aren't good. And yeah. I wasn't going to say a whole lot. Hah.