Stream of Consciousness (Apparently)

Remember how awesome I was doing last post? OOPS. Not anymore. I won't go into too much detail, mostly because I don't feel like it, but I have really switched over to a down cycle.

Wednesday night Judo class was the first class I went to in nearly a week, which included missing a test, a lab, turning in homework assignments, a group presentation, being inducted into the Senate, and all kinds of other things. I've been really trying to motivate myself to do stuff but it is so fucking difficult to. I have been having extreme bouts of insomnia: I usually give up after not sleeping for six hours or so. I had a small anxiety attack in class today. Last night was the first time I wanted to smoke weed since quitting. I didn't do it, but the fact that I wanted to was/is scary to me. I've also been getting really irritable-flying off the handle at increasingly tiny things and violently responding to walls/doors/desks/etc (we learned today in class that is known as displacement). Also having just generally harmful thoughts. I knew I was gonna be coming down from being up, and those who fall from a higher place to a lower one are certainly going to notice the difference more.

I have also been wanting a relationship for the first time in a while. Not with anybody in particular, but I miss having someone close to me that is more than a friend that also means more than a friend or a fuck. But like I have been doing since dating Minh-Chau (especially not now), I'm not letting myself date anybody. It wouldn't be fair to myself, but especially the other person potentially involved, because I am just way too off the handle right now to be in the dating field. It wouldn't be right. So as much as I may want someone, I really just can't put myself through dealing with another person in addition to my crazy ass.

As it turns out, I ended things with both Minh-Chau and Stephanie either directly because I was too depressed or because of complications of depression (with Stephanie, I eventually found out it turned out to be bipolar disorder). It's impossible enough taking care of yourself through those times, and when there's another person you're supposed to be 'watching over,' so to speak, it's downright maddening. So freaking out and breaking up becomes logical, right? Man, looking back on the initial breakup of Stephanie and I makes me just seem like a complete lunatic. I'm so glad that I started getting help for my depression after that. Also that she and I are on good terms now (along with all of my exes, if I recall correctly. That's something I've been meaning to talk about at some point as well).

What was I talking about? Right, wanting a relationship. I've basically told myself that even if I find someone that I develop feelings for and vice versa, I just can't truly feel comfortable at this point in time in my own mental state putting each other in our respective hands, even if they insist that they can/want to take care of me. I want to feel like I'm at least more in control of my bipolar disorder first. The epilepsy isn't as big of a concern for me since that doesn't drive me to the brink of insanity, but it is still kind of an issue for me as well. We'll see how things go.

I'm back, baby!

I'm, happy to be back at school. Anybody that knows me and reads this blog (so what, like all two of you?) knows that this is NOT normal Daniel. This is not normal Daniel at all.


Sure, it could be the fact that I've been in a manic phase of my bipolar disorder, and I'm sure that's got something to do with it. But I've been taking classes that I actually want to take and that I'm actually excited about for the first time in a while. Except literature. Fuck that class. 


But my whole attitude is different. I'm a psychology major, dammit, and I want to be! I'm not just bumbling around in biology land just because I had always expected to be there my entire life anymore; I'm somewhere that is actually making my happy. I find something enjoyable in every class, even the statistics-based ones. I'm not procrastinating on assignments, waiting until the hour before it's due before thinking about getting started. I'm actually getting involved in school events: I joined the Judo club (also I'm taking Judo as a class with my friend Matt, and I love it), I'm gonna join the Senate, and I'm making an effort to not talk shit about my own school anymore. Norfolk is still on its own, though.


I have pretty much hated school thus far. I'm changing that. I'm not gonna be sitting in my room on the Internet anymore. I have been actually talking to people in my classes, making friends. I have been cooking, hanging out with people, going to bed early so I can wake up on time, and just been really working on myself. I also quit smoking weed for good in early December. I'm happy to say I don't miss it. I'll probably discuss what caused that decision to come about in a later post, although I think I told the people that actually read this thing. But it's nice to chronicle it.


I went off on a bit of a tangent there. I've been teaching myself to realize that school, and more importantly life, is what you make of it. And I'm trying my damnedest to make it the best I can. I know it won't be perfect, but I can't fault myself for sitting on my ass anymore.

A Step in the Right Direction

My life was changed today.


Yesterday, some guy in a Metal band named Justin Foley posted a response to the University of Melbourne's claim that Metalheads tend to have higher rates of depression on Metal Sucks. Today, the professor that published the original article, Dr. Katrina McFerran, posted a response to it. and I feel its response to him has changed my life. Let me first give you a bit of background (I'll try and keep it as short as possible).

I'm (obviously) a Metalhead, and I have been since roughly middle school. I have also struggled with depression for about as long as I can remember, with the past several years in particular being the worst. Since I was a little kid, I've always just imagined I was going to be working with animals without giving anything else much of a thought up until I started seeing my therapist a couple years ago (long story short, she has really inspired me to get into psychology), and now I'm changing majors. By the way, I'm a senior at Old Dominion University in Norfolk, Virginia, USA.

I have been seeing various therapists throughout my life and I've been with the first (and only) one I've ever liked for about two and a half years. Because of her input and my own personal interest in psychology, I know that a huge part of overcoming depression is simply being aware of what's going on. However, that just didn't really mean anything to me before, and thusly I have remained depressed fairly consistently. 

Fast forward to today. I am currently taking elementary statistics and wasn't much of a fan of it until today, when we began discussing hypothesis testing. Prior to that I didn't see any real point to stats, but then all of a sudden we're writing sentences in class! That seemed odd to me, but for the first time in class for a while, I really understood what was going on for a change, which felt nice.

Once I returned home from classes today the first thing I did, as per usual, was hop on my computer and get on Metal Sucks. However, the response to Justin was the first post on there at the time. I read the first little bit that Metal Sucks usually posts of any given article, and instantly it resonated with me a lot more. I delved deeper. While I was reading the response, it seemed different than the standard post on MS; something in it really struck a (power) chord with me (pardon the pun). There was more substance to it than normal (not that I'm trying to bash on MS, but it felt more academic in a way). I could see how to apply the statistics I learned today to psychological testing and I found that absolutely thrilling.

As I read on, it seemed more and more clear that changing my major is the right path for me, and also it looks like I may be deciding on pursing applied statistics as a minor), which gives me an actual direction for really the first time ever. Then something happened. I smiled. And I felt genuinely happy for the first time in months. To slightly alter an Arch Enemy lyric: "Behind the Smile, I feel something." It got to the point where (I feel silly for admitting this, but this is a huge deal for me) I cried tears of joy. This is the first big break and sight out of my depression I'd seen in years, despite all my hard work trying to escape it.

I feel, and have felt, that while I love music and Heavy Metal - listening to and playing music is my greatest passion in the world - I agree that it can definitely lead to depression. The musical aspects of it are phenomenal, and music certainly can play a role in healing as many people are aware, but the psychological portions (hearing particularly violent lyrics, for example) I'm sure can have a negative effect on the psyche. All these events today allowed me to see that and it blew my mind, especially the huge coincidence that they happened on the exact same day.

Check out the response if you can, please. I can't wait to read the actual peer-reviewed article. And by the way, I've been listening to mostly non-Metal today.