You>Me

I don't get myself completely sometimes/all the time. I have been feeling so much inner turmoil the past week and a half/two weeks, especially yesterday and today. My down side of my bipolar disorder kicked in after a mixed state and it has been really rough, and more than ever, I'm forgoing myself and my own well-being to see what I can do to help everybody else.


I'm constantly asking if I can help my friends. Or listen to them vent. Or they just start talking and I end up listening/giving them advice for the next hour and a half. Which is fine! I love doing this and it is eventually what I want to do with my life anyway. But I'm doing this as I'm withering away more and more and I don't seem to mind. I see depressed posts on a friend's twitter, for example, and I'll brush aside my own feelings of despair that I've been essentially ignoring for weeks to see what I can do. I hole myself up in my bedroom and put on a fake smile when I do have to go out. Another one of my friends is having other problems with an ex (among other things) and I offer to help, expecting nothing back.


Even earlier today, there was a complete stranger struggling to drag a cardboard box behind her. She dropped it several times and was very clearly having a difficult time. I was doing nothing but killing time and feeling angsty so I offered to help her and she refused.


I forget what else I was planning on talking about but basically I'm depressed but I could care less about myself and only seem to want to help others. It's more satisfying, anyway.